


The Satanists Who Came to Tea

by shouldgowork



Category: The House in the Cerulean Sea - T. J. Klune
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:41:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25432543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shouldgowork/pseuds/shouldgowork
Summary: After the Overseers of the Church of Satan learn of Lucy's existence, Arthur and Linus are forced to extend them an invitation which will test their parenting, Lucy's morality, and everyone's skills at awkward small talk.
Relationships: Linus Baker/Arthur Parnassus, Zoe Chapelwhite/Helen
Comments: 28
Kudos: 53





	The Satanists Who Came to Tea

‘Oh  _ dear _ .’ 

Arthur lowered his newspaper, smiling as he found himself confronted by the sight of Linus fussing at the other end of the table, smoothing a napkin unnecessarily with one hand, and in the other… 

Arthur’s expression faltered a little as he realised that Linus’ frown was graver than he had seen in a long time, and that it was directed not at a grease stain, or incoming bad weather, but at a letter he was holding in a gently shaking hand. 

‘What is it?’ He asked, eyes roving over the scene for more clues and alighting at last on the envelope, rumpled on the table, that the letter had come out of. The paper of the envelope was clearly expensive, it was thick and cream coloured and seemed even from this distance to have a watermark. And on top of it was a wax seal in the shape of a pentagram.

‘Oh dear.’ Arthur echoed, with feeling. 

Linus passed the letter down the table wordlessly and worriedly bit at a piece of toast as he waited for Arthur to read it. 

Of course, when they had gone public, about their work on Marsyas, about their hopes for governmental reform, and about their work with magical children across the country to achieve this, they knew there was a chance that word of Lucy would get out. The odds of that had been drastically shortened when the villagers had been cut off from their governmental bribe. And yet, in the 18 months or so since then, they’d both allowed themselves to be lulled into a false sense of security when this hadn’t happened. 

And it had taken a comment from Zoe to even raise the suggestion in their minds that the Church of Satan in particular might have more than a passing interest in their youngest son. 

_ ‘We will cross that bridge when we come to it.’  _ Arthur had said serenely at the time. 

Well, they had certainly come to it now. 

‘It seems we’re finally at the Rubicon.’ Linus said glumly. 

It was Saturday morning, and all the children were off on their own pursuits as usual, which meant that Lucy was probably with David down on the beach, making snow flurries to delight the boy, something he’d gotten quite good at in the past few months. The first few times they’d done this in the woods, Talia, Phee, and Zoe had complained bitterly of frostbitten flowers, until Linus had reached a settlement for snow-related activities to happen only on the beach. 

Nevertheless, it was only a few moments later that they heard small feet clomping quickly down the corridor outside the dining room. Arthur and Linus only had time to exchange a worried glance before Lucy barrelled into the room, his gaze immediately zeroing in on the letter. 

‘You have something for me’. He said; a statement rather than a question. 

‘ _ Technically,  _ Lucy, it is about you.’ Arthur said, tone amiable but careful. Linus passed the boy the letter and he scanned through it with a speed remarkable for his age. His eyes flashed red as he finished it. 

‘Oh wow, this is so exciting!’ Lucy said, placing it carefully back on the table, and smoothing it out, his eyes drawn towards it even as he talked to his fathers. ‘No one’s ever offered me their firstborn son before.’ He grinned widely at this, and Linus’ stomach did a somersault. 

‘I think the Overseer was just being polite.’ He heard himself say. 

‘I should hope he  _ would  _ be polite, seeing as how I am his chosen one, prophet of darkness and... ‘ 

He squinted back at the letter to refresh his memory. 

‘...harbinger of the sweet delights of torment and madness.’ 

Arthur heard a squeak, although whether from Linus’ mouth or from the chair he was shifting in uncomfortably, he couldn’t tell. 

‘So when can they come? They seem so excited to meet me, I wouldn’t want to let them down.’ 

Several different responses all lodged in Linus’ throat at once. 

‘Lucy?’ Arthur asked, feeling every muscle in his body taut with the anxiety he was trying to keep out of his voice, ‘Can you please give us the room? Why don’t you go and find Talia, she said she would be moving a couple of saplings around today, and I expect she could do with the help. We will talk about this properly this afternoon, I promise.’ 

Lucy looked like he wanted to object but nodded and ran out and down the hall to the side door. 

The two men sat in silence for several minutes. 

‘Arthur.’ Linus said finally, and his tone was so placating that it could only mean one thing. 

‘No.’ Arthur replied firmly.

Linus walked over to him, putting a hand on his shoulder, which felt like granite even though it was trembling. ‘We knew this might happen one day. That it almost certainly would.’ 

‘But it’s so soon. He’s still only eight. He’s a  _ child _ .’ 

Arthur’s voice was thick with emotion, and Linus felt a stab of anger towards the Satanic overseers for causing him such distress. 

‘They don’t want to hurt him.’ Linus said. 

‘No, they want to crown him the king of Pandaemonium on Earth, they want to have him make the land wither and the sky rain blood!’ Arthur half shouted, before looking down at the ground. Linus crouched down, knees protesting, to meet his gaze. 

‘I understand why you’re worried.’ This was by no means a lie. Despite the fact he was arguing for this, the very idea was making him queasy. 

Lucy was good. This much was an established fact, a certainty in Linus’ heart and mind. But he was not an angel, that was to say, he was not incorruptible (the relative corruptibility of angels was not, he reflected, the best analogy, given what he remembered from Sunday school). The adoration of a cult could go to any boy’s head, whether or not they were the anti-christ. 

Nevertheless, it still boiled down to one important fact in Linus’ mind. Lucy was good. 

‘Yes, our eight year old son is being targeted by one of the most powerful and dangerous cults. But their aims, their wishes, are not the only factors here that matter. Nor are they the only people with agency.’ He said gently. 

He had faith. Faith in Lucy’s nature, in Arthur’s careful guidance of it, and in himself too. He took a deep breath. 

‘You’re doing Lucy a disservice, my dear.’ He said gently, and Arthur’s eyes whipped up to meet his own, fiery and wide. ‘ _ And  _ yourself. He’s a good boy. You’re a good father.’ 

The fire died down a little. ‘And you’re a good husband to remind me. Yes, of course I trust Lucy. I just worry sometimes, at what this world can do to special children. The world and its people, who want so much from them and fear them so greatly.’ 

‘All the more reason to do this. We can watch what they say or do, what they demand or threaten. We couldn’t exactly have let him leave here at eighteen, ignorant of what many people will expect of him. He is a boy, a sweet, kind, clever boy, but he is still who he is. We cannot deny that half of him, nor should we. It’s half of his identity.’

‘Of course not.’ 

Another thought struck Linus. 

‘And if we say no, we make them appealing. What is more enticing to a child than the forbidden?’ Linus said this remembering, of all ridiculous things, the time as a child he had snuck some communion wine to see what made it so special, and instead found it disgusting and sour, and himself with a severe telling off and his first hangover.

Arthur held his hands up. ‘Alright, Socrates, you can stop your debating, I agree with you. I don’t like it, but you’re right. We can’t put this off forever. As you say, he’s so excited about it, we risk just as much by forbidding it.’ 

‘I will write back to them. They suggest next weekend. We could meet in the village?’ 

‘Oh, no. I’m not having any prying eyes. They can come to the island, much as I hate it. We’ll need Zoe’s permission of course, but I don’t think she’ll object.’ 

Linus stood up and walked reluctantly to the desk to begin writing a response. 

Lucy was over-excited all week, the anticipation gnawing at him visibly as he bounced his knee through every lesson and tried his hardest to scare Linus to get past the boredom that the wait was causing him. 

The morning of the visit, Arthur was woken less than peacefully by Linus shrieking. He sat bolt upright, looking wildly from side to side and seeing nothing, until he realised Linus was looking directly upwards. Lucy was on the ceiling, body contorted, head twisted around impossibly to grin at them. 

‘Now, Lucy, we’ve talked about this before, haven’t we? And what did the chiropractor say?’ Arthur said. 

Lucy’s grin dimmed slightly. ‘That being blessed with godly powers doesn’t free me from the shackles of earthly flesh entirely.’ 

‘You’ll be feeling that tomorrow, just like last time.’ 

‘Totally worth it.’ Lucy said, before leaping from the ceiling, his neck bones righting themselves with a sickening crunch, landing on the floor and padding back out of the room. Linus let out a deep breath. 

‘Are you alright, dearest?’ Arthur asked. 

‘Ask me that again this evening.’ Linus replied through gritted teeth, still staring fixedly at the spot where Lucy had been. 

Zoe and Helen had taken the rest of the children very early to the mainland, to visit some botanical gardens a few hours’ drive away. Although the children weren’t aware of it, they had partly chosen it to scope it out as a potential wedding venue, and the thought warmed his heart despite the icy dread that was mounting in him as the time of the ferry’s arrival drew nearer. 

‘They’ll be here soon.’ Arthur said wearily, although it took him several minutes to move after that. 

As both had predicted, Lucy found them less than an hour later, grin wider than ever. 

‘They’re here.’ He said. ‘On the ferry, but they’re basically here.’

‘Lovely.’ Arthur heard himself say. 

‘Great.’ Linus echoed weakly. 

They headed down towards the docks reluctantly. 

Bob and Cathy Schwartzherz, Overseers at the Church of Satan, were visible on the ferry long before it docked. Linus was quite sure they would have been visible on the mainland itself even on a foggy night. Both were outfitted in bright red, hooded robes that appeared to be made of velvet. Their hoods were up despite the heat of the day, and though they looked ridiculous in this setting, in bright sunlight, Linus knew all too well how sinister their get up could be in different circumstances. 

‘I think we’re a little under-dressed.’ He whispered to Arthur. 

‘At least my socks match.’ Arthur replied, and Linus snorted as he took in the flash of scarlet socks underneath slacks that were still too short. Lucy watched them growing ever closer from his vantage point in a tree next to them, drumming his fingers on the bark, until impatience got the better of him entirely. When the boat was still about ten minutes out, Lucy huffed with irritation and, all at once, the ferry vanished, reappearing instantaneously at the dock. 

‘Lucy.’ Arthur said sharply, looking up at him. ‘We do  _ not  _ teleport people without their permission. We’ve been over that before. You may consider yourself grounded from the next expedition.’ 

Lucy nodded a little glumly, but the excitement of the situation was too great for Arthur’s admonition to have much real effect. He leapt out of the tree and started hurrying towards the dock, and Arthur and Linus had little choice but to hurry after him. 

By the time they got down there, Merle was grumbling but upright, and Arthur knew a small fee would quiet him well enough afterwards. The Satanic Overseers had largely righted themselves from the jolt of the sudden movement, although their hoods were still shaken off. 

The pair were not what either of them had expected. Underneath the robe, Bob wore a faded polo shirt of perfectly respectable colour, and Cathy had on a delicate floral blouse that seemed entirely at odds with her beliefs until Linus took a closer look and realised that the flowers were aconitum, a deadly variety also known as the Devil’s Helmet. Absurdly, his main preoccupation was wondering where on earth she’d managed to buy such a print. 

‘Mr and Mrs Schwartzherz?’ Arthur said pleasantly, and they both started, neither of them having noticed the arrival of the small party. At the sight of Lucy, both of them fell to their knees, foreheads and palms hitting the dockside with a small slap. 

‘Don’t you be expecting that from me.’ Merle grumbled. 

Linus and Arthur both looked at Lucy, anxiously wondering how he would react to this display. For once, he seemed not to notice what they were doing, for he himself was staring half in wonder at the spectacle before him. He allowed them to stay that way for several seconds, clearly drinking in the sight. 

‘You can get up now.’ He finally said, his voice uncharacteristically shy. 

Cathy stood up, but Bob only raised his upper half and shuffled forward on his knees until he was at Lucy’s feet, making the boy giggle. He fumbled inside his robe, eventually managing to extricate an ornate dagger of rippled steel, presenting it to Lucy, hilt first, with a flourish. Linus let out a little involuntary gasp, knowing from his trips to the museum in the city just how priceless an object like this was. Oddly enough, it looked exactly like the very one from the city museum, that had been stolen, to much public dismay, only a month before, but it seemed an inopportune moment to bring it up.

Lucy stared at it, and before he could move, Arthur picked it up from Bob’s outstretched hands. 

‘Very kind of you. Naturally, we don’t let a small boy play with sharp knives, but we can all examine it together carefully in the study later if you would like. It looks quite remarkable, you will have to tell Lucy all about its provenance. He finds history very interesting.’ 

Lucy nodded, still staring at it in wonder. ‘Thank you.’ He said quietly, his eyes reddening and making the steel glow slightly. Linus himself began to wonder if he’d made a terrible mistake in bringing about this meeting. 

‘There’s also the sac-’ Bob began. 

Linus now caught sight of a young black goat that was trying to climb to the top of the ferry with a charming lack of success. 

‘-and a  _ pet  _ how charming. I’m sure Talia will appreciate the help in the garden. She’s forever trimming the grass.’ 

As ridiculous as it was, given Lucy was undoubtedly aware of the small creature’s intended fate, Linus couldn’t bear even to hear it spoken aloud. 

‘What will you call him?’ Arthur added quickly, before any objections could be made. Lucy screwed his face up, deep in thought for a few seconds. 

‘The Shambling Horror.’ He said finally. 

‘Lovely.’ Arthur replied. The Satanists too were at least partly placated by his choice, and said nothing, only smiling a little, Cathy seasoning it with a deferential nod. 

Something about this seemed to ground Lucy a bit, and his attitude shifted slightly away from awe and to his more normal mischief. 

He grinned widely and wickedly which Arthur knew meant he was about to express himself, and he tried to hide a smirk. ‘I can see the dead, they speak to me. Would you like me to draw them out of the ground? I can do that, you know.’ 

This one had become a great favourite of his recently, for its ability to make Linus shudder, but instead Cathy merely nodded. ‘Nothing would delight me more, oh great one.’ 

Lucy faltered here, wrong-footed in a way Arthur had rarely seen before. But then again, he supposed, very few people had ever reacted to his attempts to get a rise out of them like that before. Especially people he had only just met. 

‘Really?’ Lucy said, unsurely. ‘It would be gross. They’d smell.’ 

‘My wife delights in the sweet scent of decay. Our garden is  _ full  _ of Bradford Pears.’ Bob chimed in, and Kathy nodded enthusiastically. 

Lucy stared at them a moment. ‘Well... Zoe wouldn’t be very happy with me. Miss Chapelwhite, that is. It’s her island after all.’ 

Bob made a noise of derision. ‘That may be, but it is your world, my lord. We merely live in it.’ 

Lucy considered this for an agonisingly long moment, during which Arthur involuntarily gripped Linus’ arm. 

‘Zoe wouldn’t like it. Or Talia.’ He said firmly, and Bob was smart enough not to press, although he looked disappointed. 

Cathy jumped into the resulting lull, seemingly desperate to keep the conversation flowing. 

‘We really appreciate you letting us come and see him.’ Cathy said, her smile wide and genuine (and revealing back teeth neatly filed to points). ‘He seems very sure of himself.’ She turned now to Lucy, her voice turning from a simper to an awed whisper. ‘As you  _ should _ of course, oh dark one. ’ 

‘We have always tried to foster all the childrens’ confidence.’ Arthur said neutrally. ‘To make sure they develop a sense of self that children deserve, whether magical or not.’ 

‘It’s just… well, you know.’ Cathy continued. ‘We weren’t sure what to expect, what with you two being…’ She coughed into the sleeve of her cherry red, Satanic robe, as if to try to clear the awkwardness. ‘With you two being an inter-ability couple.’

‘Although don’t get my wife wrong, we’re not those  _ hardline _ Satanists. Our particular church is very diverse. We’re fine with what you do. Love is love, and all that. Even if only one of you is...’ Bob added hastily, gesturing vaguely at Arthur. 

_ ‘And  _ with one of you being an infamous whistleblower on the Department in Charge of Magical Youth. We weren’t sure what to expect, we thought you might be a communist, an  _ anarchist _ even. But we can see he’s perfectly well taken care of.’ Cathy continued, gesturing vaguely at Linus. 

She beamed at the two men standing before her as if she hadn’t just insulted them deeply. 

Arthur gaped at her. 

Linus gaped at her. 

Lucy stared between his fathers with growing distress. 

‘Would you like to see my room?’ He said, loudly and cheerily, grabbing the nearest sleeve and dragging its owner towards the door. 

‘Maybe a spot of tea, first.’ Arthur said, finally finding his voice. ‘That is why we invited them here after all.’ 

‘Tea would be great.’ Bob said. 

Tea was, without a doubt, one of the most awkward experiences of Arthur’s life. 

Through painful, stuttering smalltalk he ascertained that Bob and Cathy had met some years back at a communal pope-effigy burning ceremony, had been inseparable ever since, and had risen to run the largest Church of Satan in the entire city. 

‘The largest?’ Lucy had interjected, ‘So there are several?’ 

‘Unholy one, there are thousands who follow your father, and who have sought a sign of your arrival their entire lives.’ 

Under the table, Arthur felt Linus press a leg gently against his own, and he realised he was gripping his teacup so hard it was at risk of shattering. 

‘Arthur is my father. And Linus too.’ Lucy said confidently, and Linus could see a small smile creep onto Arthur’s face, much as he tried to suppress it. 

‘As Joseph was Jesus’ father.’ Bob said with a shrug, and Arthur was glad he’d already put the teacup down. 

‘Did you know they nailed Jesus to a cross? I want to try it too but Arthur says I have to wait until I’m older.’ Lucy said cheerfully, although Linus could remember no such conversation ever taking place; from the slight arch of his eyebrow, neither could Arthur. Bob and Cathy were too busy beaming at the boy to notice. 

‘At our church, people undertake many acts of personal… sacrifice. You’d be able to there, with us.’ Cathy said. 

‘Although I believe the church also operates on a strict age limit?’ Linus said pointedly, and Bob could only shrug in agreement. 

‘Although the rules don’t apply to one such as yourself.’ He said, smiling obsequiously at the small boy who was currently attacking a bowl full of jelly with a spoon. 

‘Is that so?’ Lucy said with no small amount of interest. 

Linus forced a new conversation about gardening, the only neutral topic he could think of, which managed to tide them over until Lucy had finished eating. 

‘Ok,  _ now  _ I’d like them to come and see my room.’ Lucy said, putting the spoon down and leaping from the chair. 

‘We would be honoured.’ Cathy breathed reverently. 

Arthur and Linus began to rise but Lucy shook his head. 

‘I’ll bring them back afterwards.’ He said, and it took everything they had to only nod. They had claimed to trust Lucy; they had to put that claim to the test. 

‘Well don’t be  _ too  _ long. Merle will be wanting to get back to the mainland before much longer.’ Linus heard himself say through a mouth that felt like glue. 

They stayed in silence for some minutes, save for the sounds of tea being sipped and seagulls squawking argumentatively outside. 

Linus spent the time worrying, once more, that they had made a terrible mistake in allowing this meeting, and hoping that their son wasn’t having his head turned (literally or metaphorically) by the church members. 

Arthur spent it furiously drafting lessons on why having legions of eager and unquestioning followers was actually a  _ bad _ thing, and devising a reading list that was currently mostly Voltaire and Paine, although everything that came into his head seemed entirely insufficient. 

Both were so lost in thought, they nearly missed the sound of breaking glass and screaming. Linus rushed as fast as he could, but Arthur had launched from the room and up the corridor before he’d even fully risen from his chair. With his heart in his throat, he didn’t manage to take a single breath until he skidded round the corner to Lucy’s room and found the boy clutched tightly in Arthur’s arms, unharmed but very upset. 

And also alone. 

‘Oh dear.’ Arthur said, as he calculated the distance from the window to the hard ground below. His calculation was such that he was marginally more relieved than disappointed to hear a small yelp from the air outside. 

He was distracted from this when he noticed that something was being thrust wordlessly under his nose by Arthur; a strange cross, with a man nailed upside down to it, seemingly made of polished jet. He recognised it as a Satanic crucifix.

‘This was on the floor.’ Arthur said quietly, voice full of rage, eyes undoubtedly burning although Linus was still looking at the crucifix. 

‘They tried to exorcise me.’ Lucy said shakily. 

That made very little sense. After all, they were only here  _ because  _ of Lucy’s so-called demonic nature, it’s not like they would want to get rid of  _ that _ \- 

He gasped as he realised what Lucy meant. 

‘They said that my weak, human side had too much control, and they had to drive it out.’ He continued, and he sounded so bewildered, so scared, that Linus fervently wished them nothing but grief until the end of their days, no matter what his mother would say if she were alive to hear him think like this. 

‘And where are they now?’ Arthur asked. 

‘Outside. I threw them out, and now they’re waiting.’ 

‘Waiting for what?’ 

‘For me to decide what to do.’ Lucy said, voice calmer but now with a sinister edge to it. 

Linus edged over to the broken window and looked out - the couple were not merely hovering just outside the window; but many feet above, and if Lucy were to drop them, they would undoubtedly not survive. The terrified looks on their faces indicated they knew this. But far more troubling, Lucy clearly knew this too. 

This was different from any incident they’d ever had before. This had gone beyond instinct, beyond split second reaction. This was deliberate and considered and made Linus’ knees feel like they were made of water. 

He watched Arthur slowly approach their son. 

‘No matter how much people upset, or even hurt, us, we cannot let anger make us act like monsters.’ Arthur said, crouched down, hands placating as if Lucy were a wild creature; a gesture he’d never seen him have to adopt before, not even when Theodore hit his angry teenage phase a few months back. ‘Please, don’t do what you’re considering. Just put them down gently, so they can leave. They’ll never bother you again. I promise you.’ 

‘They’re bad people.’ The boy interrupted confidently. ‘They dodge their taxes. She kicks cats when no one’s looking.’ 

‘Lucy…’ Linus started to say, as calmly as possible. 

‘Please stop!’ Came a small, far-off sounding wail through the window. 

‘They brought store-bought chili to the church’s last annual cook-out and won.’ Lucy continued viciously. 

‘And you think this is reasonable punishment for that? That this is the right thing to do?’ Arthur continued. 

‘Yes.’ Lucy said, defiantly. ‘No.’ He continued. 

‘You have remarkable powers. We haven’t yet found their limit.’ Arthur went on. ‘If they even  _ have  _ a limit.’ 

Linus remembered the day, not long ago, Lucy had stopped time for the entire world except for on the island, just to make a weekend last a little longer. 

‘But the question you should be asking yourself is not what you  _ can  _ do. It’s what you  _ should _ do. What is right, and what is wrong. What will keep you awake at night if you do it. What will you see again in your nightmares. Consider those questions, and then do what you will.’ 

Linus could hardly breathe again, and the room seemed to be spinning; for all this had been his idea to test Lucy’s limits, he hadn’t expected things to boil down to a decision in quite so dramatic a fashion. He counted his heartbeats. Five past, then ten then twenty. Finally, at fifty three, he heard a very gentle thud and a sob of relief. 

‘Well done, my boy.’ Arthur said, voice thick with emotion. ‘I’m so very proud of you.’ 

‘We both are.’ Linus said as he edged past them, trying as discreetly as possible to hurry downstairs and smooth things over with the pair currently on the lawn. 

They were still sitting on the ground in a daze when he reached them, although they sprang up at the sight of him. 

‘Well I  _ never _ . In all my years, I have never been treated like that!’ Bob shouted. 

‘Well perhaps you don’t go round too often trying to destroy children’s minds?’ He said, holding up the crucifix they’d left and which he had remembered to pick up on the way out. 

‘When the authorities hear about this-’ Cathy started

‘-when they hear that you tried to assault a small boy? Yes, I’m sure they’d love to hear about that. And your church. Correct me if I am wrong, but I believe it is stated in Rules and Regulations that someone with a conviction for  _ any _ offence against a child cannot hold a leadership position in an organisation like yours?’ 

By which he meant an organisation with a children’s division, and he’d been bothered enough times, when he lived in the city, by young satanists trying to sell him cookies to pay for their church upkeep to recall this easily. 

As predicted, this shut them both up very quickly. 

‘Why don’t I escort you back to the dock?’ Linus asked although it was not a question. They said nothing, but began walking hurriedly in its direction, looking fearfully over their shoulders. 

They remained silent until their feet were on the dockside again, when they suddenly found their courage again. 

‘The boy is clearly not worthy of his heritage. If the reports are even correct. Which I find hard to believe.’ Cathy sneered. ‘If he were the true heir, would our master not have sent us a sign of his arrival? He clearly has… skills, but the anti-christ? That I cannot believe. He is so human’ She spat the last word like an insult, although it applied to herself perfectly. 

Linus could feel his face growing warm with emotion, and at this final insult against the boy he could no longer hold back.

‘Well maybe,’ he began, stepping forward and shouting, ‘your master judged that  _ you  _ were not worthy of  _ his son’s purpose,  _ you cat-kicker _!’  _

Immediately after saying this, he realised that it was not actually a comforting thought, but at least it had the desired effect of hurrying the Schwartzherzs (now both puce in the face) back onto the ferry without another word. Merle didn’t need to be told to cast off twice, and soon the pair were receding blurs on the horizon.

Arthur joined him eventually, and put an arm around his shoulder, and Linus told him what he had missed. 

‘Well my dear,’ Arthur replied, ‘ I’d say that worked out rather well. Not only did Lucy rise to the occasion wonderfully, but these two leading lights of the Church of Satan are undoubtedly going to report back that the rumours of the anti-christ being among us are false.’ 

‘There is one downside though.’ Linus said forlornly. 

‘What’s that?’ 

‘If Lucy had let them fall, Talia could’ve buried their bodies in the garden. She’d have loved that.’ 

Arthur withdrew the arm and pushed him gently, although he laughed, as much from relief as mirth. 

‘It won’t be long until the others get back. I’ve left Lucy fixing the window, but we should go and keep him company. He’s still a little shaken.’ 

‘Of course he is. Those monsters.’ 

Linus turned and walked back to the house without a backward look at the ferry. 

Lucy had already repaired the window by the time they arrived, and was now leafing through his records searching for the best one to put on. Linus sat down next to him on the bed, his arrival going unacknowledged until the boy had listened to Buddy Holly’s  _ It doesn’t matter anymore _ twice through, after which he flopped gently against Linus’ arm. 

‘I’m sorry.’ Linus said gently. 

‘It’s alright. I had a bad feeling about them even before they pulled out the cross and tried to tie me up.’ 

‘How come?’

‘They didn’t want to know anything about  _ me _ really, they only cared about the spiders in my brain. Can you believe, they said no when I tried to show them my records? So rude.’ 

‘Yes, that was very rude of them.’ Linus agreed, suppressing a smile. The boy was bouncing back from the scare remarkably well. But perhaps, he thought to himself sadly, that was a skill one was likely to develop with night terrors and spiders on the brain like Lucy suffered from. 

‘And their church sounded so boring. Lots of praying, and ceremonies, and blood rituals, but they even made those sound dull.’ Lucy continued.

‘Well that’s… good.’ 

‘So I’m going to start my own church instead. Fewer rules, more fun.’ 

‘Let’s talk about that with Arthur later, shall we?’ Linus said mildly. 

‘Oh, we will.’ Lucy replied cheerfully. 

A couple of hours later, they heard the van pull up outside the house, and the air was filled with several different voices mingling together, all chatting excitedly about hot houses and desert plants. Lucy ran out to meet them, and soon all the children were diverted hearing about how their guests. Helen and Zoe took the opportunity to come in and find the two men. 

‘Well I see that nothing terrible has happened, the house is still standing, everyone still has all their limbs.’ Zoe said. 

‘Just about.’ Linus replied, but the story would have to wait until a more pressing question had been answered. 

‘Never mind us,’ Arthur said. ‘How were the gardens?’

‘Absolutely perfect.’ Helen said, looking serenely happy. Zoe nodded, favouring them with a smile, although any further comment she had was swept away by the flood of hungry hands and tentacles that came roaming in at that moment looking for leftover biscuits. 

Linus took the moment to breathe a sigh of relief. The day had worked out even better than he had thought. There was still a mountain of worrying correspondence on his desk to deal with - a new letter from an orphan reporting on a bad home, another journalist who wanted a comment about some worrying new reforms the government was rumoured to be looking into, among others. There was also now a priceless, stolen artefact to discreetly get back to the city in a way that wouldn't bring scrutiny on them. But that could all wait until the morning, when the fight could begin anew. Tonight he was reserving for hope, and relief.

The children were all suddenly drawn outside with shrieks of delight when the Shambling Horror poked its head around the side door and bleated.

'We have a goat now?' Zoe asked, surprised but not unhappy with this development. 

'We have a goat now.' Linus confirmed. 

'He's called the Shambling Horror.' Arthur added. 

'How unusual.' Helen commented, before Talia, who had rushed back to fetch her and Zoe, dragged them both towards the commotion, leaving Arthur and Linus finally alone. 

‘If I remember correctly, you asked me to ask you when the day was over.’ Arthur said. ‘Are you alright, dearest?’ 

‘More than alright.’ Linus murmured back, squeezing his hand. 


End file.
